Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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