I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
