i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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