his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We have so much sex to catch up on
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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