It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
