wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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