did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
