My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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