Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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