is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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