im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
