I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
