I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
