there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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