i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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