sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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