There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
