when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
