I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
