My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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