did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
