i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
