I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
