Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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