then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
