At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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