Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
