I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
