i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i dont even know how to be here
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
