there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
