My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize