based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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