I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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