I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A bitchslap is in order.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
