She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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