You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
