just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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