sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm passing your future prison.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
