She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
