You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize