My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
