so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That accounts for only three of the penises
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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