grandma shit on top of the toilet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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