the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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