Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
