Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
