I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
