Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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