Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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