My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize