This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
