apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so let's talk penis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
