Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
