Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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