I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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