I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
