I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
