Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
