I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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