So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You ruined the universe
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
