Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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