It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
