That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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